We’re in an era where social media is a big part of our lives. Almost every day, we see posts and updates about what others are doing. This often leads us to compare ourselves to them. Comparing ourselves to others can be really damaging, but it’s something many of us do without even realizing it. In today’s blog, we’re going to explore why we fall into the habit of comparing ourselves and share some tips on how to break free from this pattern.
Teddy Roosevelt once said, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ When we compare ourselves to others we stop being thankful for all the things that we do have. Comparison brings 2 feelings, lack and jealousy. Both of those feelings cause us to have negative actions and negative energy. We become doom and gloom and can’t feel joy.
Comparison takes away from resilience. When we compare and put ourselves down, it’s a sign of low self-esteem. We think others have it better than us and so they must be better. Or we may think they’re lucky and blessed.
Also, we have to remember that we are comparing ourselves to someone’s perfection. People post only the parts of their lives that are good. We do a huge injustice to ourselves when we compare our lives to small bits of others lives.
We compare other people’s chapter 20 to our chapter 1.
When I was starting out this podcast, I had listened to so many episodes of other people. I studied other Muslim women who have been recording podcasts. I found successful podcasts where there were 100s of episodes recorded and millions of downloads. I felt so behind and felt like I could never reach such high milestones. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that the podcast I was comparing myself to had been around for almost 5 years. I was comparing their 5 years to my 0 years.
Another thing that happens when we compare our chapter 1 to other people’s chapter 20, is that we completely disregard the amount work and effort they put into their success. I don’t know what it took to get to 400+ episodes in 5 years. I don’t know the struggles and the hardships.
Same goes for when we compare other people’s lives on social media. When we see someone who is getting married and we are not married ourselves, we think their life must be so easy and so much better. We have no idea the struggles they’re going through. We don’t know if they’re marrying someone they even want to. We don’t know what kind of internal struggles are going on.
When we see someone buying a house, we don’t know what they had to go through in order to get to that point.
The reason why we think other people’s lives are better than ours is because we see all of our lives and we see only pieces of theirs. If we sat down to hear about everything that is going on in someone else’s life, then we’d reconsider our views of how amazing their life is.
And even if someone’s life seems easier than yours, think about the rewards you are getting for your struggles. Think about the lessons you are learning from your struggles.
Allah SWT has brought you into this planet to live your life.
Who your parents are, where you were born, which community you were apart of, what school you went to, are all apart of Allah’s plan for you. Allah put you on this earth for a specific reason that only you can complete. You are unique and no one can take your place. No 2 people do the same thing on this planet. No 2 people have the same journey. The Prophets all had unique lives and unique challenges. All the wives of the prophet were different from each other and each had their own struggles. By comparing ourselves to others, we are asking for a different life. We are asking for a different path.
Allah SWT has a unique plan for you and it’s the best plan. Allah SWT says in the Qur’an in Surah Al-Anfal Ayah 30:
وَإِذْ يَمْكُرُ بِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا۟ لِيُثْبِتُوكَ أَوْ يَقْتُلُوكَ أَوْ يُخْرِجُوكَ ۚ وَيَمْكُرُونَ وَيَمْكُرُ ٱللَّهُ ۖ وَٱللَّهُ خَيْرُ ٱلْمَـٰكِرِينَ (٣٠)
“And [remember, O Muḥammad], when those who disbelieved plotted against you to restrain you or kill you or evict you [from Makkah]. But they plan, and Allāh plans. And Allāh is the best of planners.”
Allah has planned your life and it’s going to be the best life possible for you.
So If comparison is so harmful and it’s the thief of joy, then why do humans do it?
The need for comparison was first explored seriously by a social psychologist named Leon Festinger in 1954.
Festinger’s theory is quite straightforward. He said that we compare ourselves to others for two main reasons. First, to feel more certain about where we stand in certain areas. Second, to help figure out who we are.
He called this idea social comparison theory, and it’s a major concept in social psychology. Festinger believed that people don’t really define themselves on their own. Instead, we understand ourselves by how we measure up to others. For big questions about our identity and sense of self, we often look at those around us for answers.
But there’s more to it. Festinger also noted that we’re more likely to compare ourselves with people who are similar to us in some way. This means we often compare ourselves with people who are at a similar level to us, rather than those who are much higher up or far different.
This is why we tend to compare ourselves to people we know who are similar to us. We may compare ourselves to a friend who is around our age rather than a friend who is 10 years older. If we are wanting to get married at 25, then we wouldn’t care if someone we knew who was in their late 30s got married. We would however be impacted if someone we knew in their early or mid-20s got married.
We compare ourselves so we can validate ourselves and feel like we are not behind in life.
A big part of resilience is self-validation.
Validating ourrself and not needing any external thing to validate us. Our only point of comparison should be our old self. Think of like this. We’re all playing a video game that is designed specifically for ourselves. So you’re in your video game and I am in mines. I am in the Mariam Aslam video game and the only players in it are versions of Mariam Aslam. My past versions. The only people I need to be comparing myself to are my past selves.
We honestly do a disservice to ourselves by comparing ourselves to other people. Why? Because everyone was given different opportunities and situations in their life. If I compare myself to someone who has both parents alive and healthy, I am harming myself because I don’t have that. If you are someone who grew up in a poor household and you compare yourself to a friend who was raised in a rich household, how is that fair? Why would you do that to yourself?
It’s like 2 people taking a test where one person was given 2 weeks to study and one person was given 2 hours. Obviously the results will be very different. It doesn’t make sense for the person who got 2 hours to study to compare their results to the person who had 2 weeks.
This is why we must stay in our unique lanes in life.
So how do we stop comparison?
3 Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others:
Tip 1 is to be happy for everyone around you. If your friend is getting married, be happy for them. Understand that they also went through struggles to get to where they were.
The more happy you are for other people, the more good you will get in your life.
Tip 2 is to increase gratitude for what you do have in your life. Start focusing on the positives in your life.
And tip 3 is to use comparison to fuel you to better your life. I can use the successful Muslimah podcast I found to fuel me to make mines successful. If someone else can do it, then so can I.
Anytime you don’t know if you’re using comparison to better yourself or to harm yourself, try this: Next time you’re on social media comparing yourself, ask yourself, am I feeling motivated and excited or am I feeling jealous and bad about myself?
Allah SWT has given you a unique life and you will be judged according to your life. None of us would want to be judged according to other people’s lives. So why do we continuously judge ourselves based on other people’s lives?
You are unique and perfect in your own way. As long as you are getting better everyday, you are succeeding in your life.
Your time will come when its the right time for you.
You’re not behind in life. You are exactly where you need to be.
Never lose hope. Keep making dua and trusting Allah’s plan.
Until next time my friend,
Remember you got this because you have Allah.
Your sister,
Mariam
