We all have a childhood. We all have a past that was not in our control. We didn’t choose who our parents were, where we were born, etc. We didn’t choose the details of how we were going to spend the first few years of our lives. So is our current life our fault? Was our past our fault? That’s what we’re going to be talking about in today’s blog.
When I first was introduced to the concept I’m going to be sharing in this blog, my mind didn’t understand it. It actually took me some time to wrap my head around this. But once I understood it, my life changed and I became so much more resilient and confident. And so this blog is going to be a bit deep and you may have to read it more than once.
We’re talking about fault and responsibility. Think about your past. Think about who your parents were, your siblings, your environment, your socioeconomic status, your community, etc. Was any of that your fault? Did you choose any of it? Nope. Your past is not your fault.
Your childhood and upbringing were not your fault. But dealing with your past is your responsibility. Using your past to your advantage is your responsibility. Learning from your past is your responsibility. Up until a certain age, you are not responsible for your life. But once you become an adult, your entire life becomes your responsibility.
Back in the day, it was very clear when someone became an adult. Even in our religion, it’s very clear when you become an adult. We are not responsible for any of our sins before we hit puberty. We are not responsible for even praying salah before puberty. But once you hit puberty, you are now an adult and everything matters. Everything counts. The responsibility has begun.
Nowadays there is no clear line of when a person becomes an adult and is responsible for their own life. But we do all become adults at some point. At some point in our lives, we start to make decisions that impact us.
If you were born to parents who were poor or had anger issues, that is not your fault. But now as an adult, it is your responsibility to work through it. I don’t know who said this quote but I liked it.
"It’s not your fault if you were born poor, but it is your fault if you die poor."
Meaning that how your life looks at the end of it is your fault. The beginning is not your fault but the ending sure is.
If you are 25 and are still mad at your parents for not giving you the love you needed as a child, then you are running away from responsibility. If you blame everything that is happening in your life as an adult on your past, then you are giving away all your power.
Where does our power to create our lives come from? It comes from us choosing how we want to live our lives. If we feel like we cannot choose what we want in our lives because of our past, then how can we create the life we want?
Your life is your responsibility. Your education, your finances, your friends, your home, all of that now as an adult, are your responsibilities.
What is responsibility? It is the ability to respond. How you respond to life as an adult is up to you. You can spend the rest of your life upset about how your life started out very unfairly or you can use it to your advantage to create a better life.
Many things in life are not our fault. It wasn’t my fault that my mom passed away when I was 25 years old. It’s not my fault that I’ll never have a mom ever again. But how I let that impact my life is my responsibility. I can choose to look at the good in it. I can choose to think that Allah SWT planned my life like this and it must be for my betterment. I can choose to think that there are many lessons I needed to learn from the passing of my mom for the future of my life. I can choose to think that my upbringing was the way it was so that I could learn from it.
We have the responsibility to choose the meaning we put to our past.
I was not born into a rich household. My parents lived very modest lives. We weren’t paycheck-to-paycheck poor but we weren’t also very well off. I had friends who had very rich parents. They lived in big houses and had their own bedroom. They would go on international vacations in the summer. I used to think how unfair it was that my family didn’t have money like that. I could have let that define my future as well. I could have told myself that I would never have money cause my parents didn’t. Instead, I chose to do well in school and get a bachelor’s degree by the time I was 20 and started my full-time job. Within less than 3 years of working, I was able to take my mom to Umrah and support my family in buying a massive house. I was now able to travel internationally and live in a big house.
Your past is not your fault. But your present and future 100% are. You get to decide how you want to live your life now and what you want to accomplish now.
Your life is your responsibility. Everything that happens in your life may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
If you get into a car accident, it may not have been your fault but it is your responsibility. How you respond to the car crash is on you. Do you get upset and yell? Do you get angry at the other driver? Do you use foul language? Or do you keep calm and accept that this is just a part of life and everything will be okay?
My life completely changed when I understood and accepted that everything in my life is my responsibility.
If I am not making the money I want, it is on me. If I am not happy in my marriage, that is on me. If I am not fulfilled by my life that is on me.
Allah SWT has given us free will. He has given us the ability to choose things in our life. Yes, some things happen in our life that are not in our control. Like the passing of my mom, that was not in my control, but how I let it affect my life is on me. Do I make shukr for the time that I did have with her or do I just complain about the fact that it wasn’t enough time? Perspective matters so much.
Once you take responsibility for everything in your life, you gain power over your life. You get to decide how your life turns out.
And you want to know what’s so beautiful about everything being your responsibility? The fact that you are only responsible for your life. You are not responsible for anyone else’s life. Just like no one is coming to save you, you don’t have to save anyone either.
I used to blame myself for problems in my parents’ marriage. I used to blame myself for other people’s problems. It’s so freeing to know that we cannot be blamed for other people’s lives. And the same goes for us. We cannot blame other people for our life.
This is so common in marriages. Each spouse will be so quick to blame the other for their problems. ‘I’m not happy in my marriage.’ Well did you ever think why you’re not happy? Are you happy in other areas of your life? Are you happy with your health, wealth and relationship to your Lord? It’s so easy to blame the other person for our shortcomings. But guess what, it may be easy but it’s so destructive. As soon as you blame your spouse for your misery, you have given all your power to them. You have said basically, that until you make me happy, I cannot be happy. Imagine that?
Allah says in Surah Al-Maidah, ayah 105:
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ عَلَيْكُمْ أَنفُسَكُمْ ۖ لَا يَضُرُّكُم مَّن ضَلَّ إِذَا ٱهْتَدَيْتُمْ ۚ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ مَرْجِعُكُمْ جَمِيعًۭا فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ (١٠٥)
O believers! You are accountable only for yourselves. It will not harm you if someone chooses to deviate—as long as you are ˹rightly˺ guided. To Allah, you will all return, and He will inform you of what you used to do.
We are only accountable for ourselves. We will be raised alone on the Day of Judgement. Everyone will be holding their own book of deeds.
Allah SWT is telling us that our life is our responsibility. So why do we attach our happiness to someone else? Why do we blame other people for our life? Why do we give them so much power?
The same goes for when we blame our current life on our past. We are basically saying, until my past changes, my life cannot be better.
Well, guess what, your past can never change. The only thing that can change is what kind of control and influence it has on your present and future. What kind of meaning are you attaching to your past?
The brain loves to blame everything but itself because if you blame others then there’s much less work for you to do. If you’re not rich cause you had a difficult past, then you don’t have to work hard in life to become rich.
The minute you blame anyone except yourself for your life, you give away all your power to change it. So even though something may not be your fault, it is still your responsibility.
This is so empowering because think about it, if your life is your responsibility, then you can make it anything you want. If you wake up tomorrow and just tell yourself that the past is the past, and now you have a clean slate to make any life come true, what can you do?
No one is coming to save you. You have to do the work to create the life you want. Accepting that makes you so much more resilient. And just cause you had a terrible past, doesn’t mean you have to have a terrible present and future.
Think about it this way: your life is like a story that will be told one day. What kind of story do you want it to be? A story where you’re always blaming your past or other people, stuck in sadness? Or a story where you’re resilient, take charge, and make things better for yourself? It’s about choosing. Do you want to be seen as the victim in your story, or the hero who faces challenges head-on? Do you want to be the main character in it or would you give that role to other people that you blame for your life? Because remember, the more you blame others, the less control you have over your life.
Imagine your kids and grandkids one day reading about your life. What would you want them to see? A story of someone who always felt sorry for themselves and just complained all the time? Or a story of someone who never gave up, who took responsibility and built a great life?
This isn’t just a story – it's your life.
Every day, you’re writing a new page. Make it a story of strength, not of giving up. A story where you’re the hero, not the victim.
You’re the author of your story and you only get one chance at writing it. Make it the best book possible.
Ask yourself, if you died today and someone wrote your life story, what kind of book would it be? Would you want to read it? Would you want other people to read it? Would you want your grandkids to read it? If not, then something needs to change. You still have time. Make your life a story of success. A story that you’d be proud of and want your future grandkids to read.
Until next time my friend,
Remember you got this because you have Allah.
Your sister,
Mariam
