We humans often pride ourselves on our intelligence and the vastness of our knowledge. And sure, we might be pretty smart and know a bunch of stuff. But, here’s the catch: there’s one thing we’ll never truly grasp unless we ask directly, and that’s the reason behind why people do what they do. Our assumptions about others’ actions? They’re pretty much off-base all the time. These misguided guesses we make about people are a major source of trouble in our relationships. And that’s exactly what we’re going to unpack in this blog.
Ever feel like no one understands you? Everyone feels like this because it is impossible to truly understand another person. The only person that can truly understand a person is themselves. This is because in order to understand a person you’d have to understand their life experiences and their way of thinking. Which is impossible unless you literally lived their life and were in their mind from the very beginning of their life. And even then it’s actually impossible because so many of us actually don’t understand ourselves.
A few days ago, my brother and I were talking about our childhood and he said a very interesting thing to me. He said, ‘Mariam, I never understood some things about you but I would go along with them regardless. For example, I never understood why you hate loud chewing so much. To this day I don’t understand.’
I thought that was so interesting cause I believed it made total sense why loud chewing was very annoying. I thought I wasn’t alone in this. My brother’s wife doesn’t find it annoying at all and she’s completely fine with it. And so clearly not everyone is affected by loud chewing. Even though my brother and I had grown up together and practically saw each other every day and hung out for countless hours, there were so many things about each other that we never understood. I never understood why he loved video games so much. I never understood why he wouldn’t get upset if someone didn’t invite him to their party. Why didn’t we love the same things and hate the same things?
It’s cause even though we had similar environments, our upbringing was completely different. Our experiences were completely different.
Even my mom, the one person I thought understood me the most had times where she didn’t understand me as well. Of course she didn’t, there was so much of my life that she was not a part of. The life I had in school, with my friends, with myself. She wasn’t present for any of that.
Even twin sisters or twin brothers, can never truly understand each other cause no matter how much time they spend with each other, if they even have 1 experience separate from each other, they no longer can understand the other person.
The way I like to explain this is by using an analogy of glasses.
When we get glasses we get a prescription and that prescription usually changes with time. (Mine hasn’t for the past few years cause you know, I’m very responsible with my glasses. 🙂) Think of everyone as wearing their own glasses. We all have different glasses with different prescriptions. The prescriptions started the second our brain started to store memories. No 2 people are wearing the same glasses. Everyone has a different pair on. We’re all using our glasses to see the world. Without these glasses, we’re blind and lost.
Even if you try to wear someone else’s glasses to see their world, you can’t because it’s blurry. It’s not fit to your prescription.
We think that everyone is wearing similar glasses to us and so we think we understand why people are doing what they’re doing. What makes sense to us doesn’t necessarily make sense to someone else.
Every person’s prescription is based on their life experiences and it keeps changing and more and more experiences occur. In neuroscience, this concept is called neuroplasticity. I’ve explained this in a previous blog but neuroplasticity is basically the ability of the brain to change and adapt in response to experiences. Every experience we have, from the moment we are born, contributes to the shaping of our neural networks. These experiences influence how we perceive, interpret, and respond to new information.
Because of this concept of neuroplasticity, I have begun to view people completely differently. I now believe more than ever that people truly do change. I’m not saying people always change for the better, but people are constantly changing. Even though we may think we know someone so well that we can predict their behavior, there is a huge chance that we could be incorrect solely for the fact that one life experience can drastically change a person’s way of thinking which in turn changes their behavior.
And so I no longer believe in the concept of truly understanding someone. I think Trying to understand others is important for forming strong relationships, showing empathy, and appreciating our differences. But we must keep in mind that completely knowing someone else’s perspective is a challenging, if not impossible, task. Everyone’s experiences and thoughts shape their own distinct view of the world. So, while it’s good to aim for empathy and understanding, believing that we fully understand another person is often more than we can realistically achieve.
I’ve seen coaches do this very frequently. They go based on patterns and try to generalize people into certain categories. While I think it’s important to do this when teaching a concept, I think it’s incorrect and dangerous to do when coaching someone because we truly don’t know how the person is thinking. No matter how familiar what they’re saying and doing may sound, and no matter how much they fit a pattern, there will always be something that is unique to the person.
2 things that are critical to understand.
We just covered the First which is No one can and ever will truly understand you so do not have this expectation from others. Second, never assume you know what the other person is thinking because you will be wrong and negative assumptions destroy relationships.
Assuming things about others is like picking up a book and starting to read from the middle. You then try to guess what happened in the first half based on what you’re reading now. It’s almost guaranteed that your version of the story’s beginning will be way off. Even if you manage to get a few things right based on the context of the latter half, there’s no chance you’ll reconstruct the first half with 100% accuracy.
We make assumptions every day, a fundamental aspect of our human nature. Assumptions serve a purpose: they keep us anchored in the familiar. Our brains, inherently wary of the unknown, rely on past experiences for safety and prediction. This tendency explains why past experiences heavily influence our present perceptions. Consider a woman who has experienced abandonment by her first husband. It’s likely she may project this fear onto her current spouse. If he mirrors any behaviors of her ex, such as spending time with friends, she might assume a similar outcome of abandonment.
Similarly, a son who observes his father’s approach to marriage might carry those observations into his own marital life. His assumptions about marriage and his interactions with his wife could be deeply colored by his father’s attitudes and behaviors towards his mother. In both examples, the individuals are leaning on assumptions to navigate their relationships, seeking comfort in the known and the familiar.
However, the issue arises when these assumptions clash with the reality of our diverse experiences. Each person views the world through a unique lens, shaped by their own experiences and thought processes. When we assume, we overlook this diversity, often leading to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.
While assumptions based on familiarity or recognized patterns can sometimes guide us, they are not flawless. Negative assumptions, in particular, can be detrimental to relationships. The belief that we know someone better than anyone else is often a fallacy. In reality, we are always filling gaps with assumptions. Recognizing patterns and attempting to understand others is valuable, but claiming to fully comprehend another person is an overreach. Acknowledging the limitations of our assumptions is crucial in fostering healthy, empathetic relationships. And the same goes for expecting others to understand us. We should never have that expectation because it can never be met.
I'd like to share two strategies
I’d like to share two strategies I’ve been incorporating into my life, though I admit it’s been a learning journey. Striving to understand others can be incredibly rewarding, as at our core, we all seek understanding and acceptance. The key is finding a healthy balance: do your best to comprehend someone’s perspective to enhance your relationship with them, but also accept that fully grasping anyone’s experience 100% is impossible. Recognizing this not only helps in nurturing healthier relationships but is also beneficial in its own right because it deletes all expectations.
Awareness and acceptance is the first strategy and the other one is to ask questions. Never assume. I’m actually going to be writing an entire blog on assumptions because it’s such a big topic in it of it’s own.
Asking questions allows the other person to explain to you their way of thinking. Asking questions solves so many issues. There’s a common story that is shared to illustrate the dangers of assuming. There are many versions of it but the gist of it is that there is a person who buys a box of cookies and sits down to eat them. There is a person next to them who starts to eat the cookies as well. Every time the person takes a cookie, the other person takes on too while smiling. Obviously this irritates the owner of the cookies but they don’t say anything. At the end, there is only one cookie left and the stranger breaks the cookie in half and gives it to the other person. The person now is extremely annoyed at this behavior since all the cookies were theirs to begin with so how dare this person break a cookie in half and act like they’re sharing. The stranger gets up and leaves and the other person starts to pack up to leave as well. They then realize there’s a box of cookies under their stuff. It turns out they had been eating someone else’s cookies the entire time and the other person was generous to share.
Now this story teaches a good lesson however all of this could have been avoided if the person just asked the stranger why they were eating their cookies. Everything would have been cleared up.
Asking questions while giving others the benefit of the doubt is an essential approach for resolving misunderstandings or miscommunications. This is something I’m reminded of daily, and just last night, I had another moment that reinforced this lesson.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“None of you [truly] believes until he loves for his brother that which he loves for himself.” [Al-Bukhari] [Muslim]
Wouldn’t we want others to give us a chance to explain ourselves before assuming they know why we did what we did? Just like we want to be given the chance for justice, everyone deserves that chance.
Always ask questions and be open-minded about the responses. You can’t always be sure of the reasons behind someone’s actions. Despite recognizing patterns and drawing from past experiences, our assumptions are not always accurate. Keeping an open mind and inquiring respectfully can lead to better understanding and clearer communication.
No matter how much we think we know why someone did what they did, we have to remember that we are all wearing different glasses. If your assumption is negative of someone and you’re wrong, imagine the damage to the relationship that you’ll do.
Negative assumptions are never okay. Always ask questions. And remember, no one can truly 100% understand you. You have to do the work to understand yourself.
Until next time my friend,
Remember you got this because you have Allah.
Your sister,
Mariam
