Today I want to talk to you about something that is simple but not very easy. Something that if you are able to do, your life will have so much peace in it. Your life will become so much easier. That something is forgiveness. People hurt us and we’ve hurt people and the best path is always forgiveness.
We’ve all been hurt in some way or another. Some of us have been abused whether that be emotionally, verbally or physically. Some of us have had our trust broken. Some of us have been abandoned. Some of us have been let down. Some of us have been cheated on. There are many ways that we’ve been hurt. And we’ve also hurt people in so many ways. Before we can talk about forgiveness, we have to first understand why people hurt each other.
During my life coaching training, I came across many interesting concepts, one of them being unconditional love. I had heard of unconditional love before but never in the way that I learned it through life coaching. I initially thought unconditional love is when you love someone no matter what and that someone included close people only. I thought it meant to love your parents, siblings, friends and family. I had never thought about unconditional love for everyone. When the instructor said we are actually able to love someone who killed people, I was immediately confused. I got even more confused and kind of angry as well when she talked about loving someone like Hitler or someone who killed a family member. I thought, how in the world could I possible love a person like that? For them there is no love, forget unconditional love.
The instructor explained how at the core of every human being, there is an innocent person. We all started out as innocent babies with absolutely no evil in us. No baby was born evil. No human started out as a bad person. The way I like to now explain it is like this, think of every person to have a core inside of them. This core is the soul. We all have pure souls when we enter the world. As we go through life, the core starts to be covered with layers of circumstances, thoughts and emotions. As we have more and more layers our core starts to be covered and we start to become more like the layers. Now how we behave starts to depend on the layers. So if the layers are difficult life experiences and negative upbringing and influences, then that is how we start to behave. The more and more layers we have, the further and further we are from our core. If the layers are very different than the core, then we start to lose the core completely. The result of this is that we lose ourselves.
Anyone who hurts someone is lost.
They are so far from their core that they are completely lost. They are aware of the things they’re doing to hurt you but they’re unaware of how lost they are.
When people do things to hurt others, they are hurting themselves as well. For example, if someone cheats on their spouse, then that person will have to live with being a cheater for the rest of their lives. If someone abandons you for no reason then they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
People’s hurtful actions towards others can often be traced back to their own internal conflicts and a misguided search for peace. From a psychological standpoint, this behavior can be viewed through the lens of learned coping mechanisms and the brain’s fundamental drive for survival. Neurobiological research suggests that individuals exposed to adverse experiences, such as abuse during their early years, may develop unhealthy patterns of behavior. These patterns, originally formed as survival strategies, can manifest as harming others, echoing the trauma they themselves experienced. This cycle of behavior is often an unconscious attempt to regain control and stability in their lives, misguidedly seeking peace through the replication of familiar yet harmful, dynamics.
At the very core, no one is evil. Everyone has an innocent child within them, a pure soul. It’s the layers of circumstances, thoughts and emotions that are causing them to do the things they are doing.
After understanding it like this, I could find a way to have unconditional love for everyone. The most important thing about unconditional love is that it comes with boundaries. We can love everyone for the child that is within them but that doesn’t mean if someone abandons us or cheats on us or physically abuses us that we go running to them or that we let them do what they want. It means that we can forgive them because we can understand why they did what they did and we can separate ourselves from them. It means that when we see an oppressor oppressing innocent people, we can forgive the child within them, but we still make dua for Allah to bring justice. We still take actions to stop the oppression. Unconditional love also does not mean condemning evil acts. All it means is that the person committing the evil acts is doing it because they think that they will somehow achieve peace in that way.
Resentment causes us more harm than it does to the other person. The other person has to live with what they did. They have to live with the identity of an abuser or cheater. They already have their own way of hurting. If we hold resentment in our heart then we are hurting only ourselves. We are adding layers of resentment on top of our core which will cause even us to become further and further from our innocent selves.
So how do we forgive someone who has hurt us deeply?
You have to view them for their core. View them as the innocent child who entered this world pure with no intention of evil and then life happened to them and they made bad decisions. When you can start to view everyone as a person who is hurt and is looking for peace, then forgiveness will start to come more easily. When you try to understand where the other person is coming from, why they are doing what they are doing, then you will be able to attain more peace. If someone hurts you unjustly, know that they are doing it because of something about themselves. It has nothing to do with you.
If a man cheats on you, remember that it was not because of you. It was because of themselves. You can never make someone do anything. If they did not find what they were looking for with you, that is on them. They did not do the work. They did not learn how to be a better human. And remember, they did what they did because that is how they thought they would achieve peace. They did it because maybe that is the only way they thought was possible.
So first, do not blame yourself for anyone’s actions and then second, try to remove the blame from the other person as well. I know, its very difficult. That’s why in the beginning of this post I said I want to talk to you about something that is simple, but not easy.
It’s simple because you see each person as someone who is deeply lost, not fully grasping the impact of their actions. Realizing that every hurt they inflict on others is a reflection of their own internal pain, often causing themselves equal or greater pain, helps cultivate empathy and understanding.
Once you understand the concept that everyone at their core is an innocent person and is just looking for peace, you can have more empathy for everyone. Forgiveness starts to come more naturally.
No one at their core wants to hurt anyone. Everyone wants peace, we’re all just doing it in ways we know how.
Allah SWT says in the Qur’an in Surah Al-Baqarah Ayah 263:
قَوْلٌۭ مَّعْرُوفٌۭ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ خَيْرٌۭ مِّن صَدَقَةٍۢ يَتْبَعُهَآ أَذًۭى ۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِىٌّ حَلِيمٌۭ (٢٦٣)
Kind words and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury. And Allah is Self-Sufficient, Most Forbearing.
Allah SWT is telling us that after injury or hurt, forgiveness is better than Sadaqah, than charity.
Allah loves those who forgive and Allah loves to forgive. So when we forgive others, not only are we saving ourselves from resentment which causes us more harm but we also get so much hasanat from Allah SWT.
I remember reading a story of a Muslim father in Kentucky who hugged the man who was sentenced to 31 years in prison for playing a part in the murder of his son. He forgave him and said to him, “I’m angry at the devil, who’s misguiding you and misleading you to do such a horrible crime.”
This story made me realize that On top of all the experiences we have that shape who we are, we also have Shaytan who plays a massive role in how we treat others and ourselves. Shaytan is actively trying to misguide us and take the wrong actions.
And so when someone hurts us or hurts someone, it’s important to remember that at their core, the person is a pure and innocent and whatever they’re doing is because they think they will achieve some sort of peace from it. Also that Shaytan is misguiding them and the person is not able to push shaytan away.
Once we start to view everyone as lost and looking for peace, we can empathize with them, because we are the same. We also hurt people. We also get influenced by the layers we have. We also get misguided by shaytan.
It’s so much easier to understand others once we start to change our perception and come from an angle or forgiveness rather than hurt. By viewing everyone as people searching for peace in their own way we are able to humanize people.
Unconditional love is loving everyone because they are a slave of Allah SWT looking for peace. It’s love that comes from understanding other people on a human level. Once you can have unconditional love for everyone, you will feel so much more peace inside. You will no longer feel hate and resentment in your heart. Any action you take for justice will come from a place of peace and not revenge.
It’s everyone’s responsibility to work on themselves. You have to be able to understand the layers that are covering your core. What did you go through in your childhood? How do you find peace? Are you hurting anyone in your pursuit of peace? Have you hurt anyone that you never went back to and asked for forgiveness from? What identity are you living with?
Self discovery is a long process but it is critical to understanding yourself. You need to be able to forgive yourself and also forgive everyone around you.
I’ll end by suggesting an activity that you can try right now.
Think back to a time when someone hurt you. Think of the person who hurt you. Tell yourself that this person hurt you because they themselves have been hurt so much and they thought they’d find peace by hurting you. Do you feel the burden being lifted a little? Do you feel the weight on your chest a little lighter? Do you feel a sense of relief to just let go?
Again, this is simple but just cause something is simple does not make it easy.
Until next time my friend,
Remember you got this because you have Allah.
Your sister,
Mariam
