Life can feel tough. There are so many challenges. So many things that we have to overcome. It can get overwhelming very quickly. And the crazy thing is just 1-2 tough days can seem to outweigh a whole week of calm, am I right? In today’s blog, I want to talk about why so much of life feels difficult and the one habit that will change that.
The other day, a friend of mine and I were talking about how losing weight gets harder and harder with age. My friend was saying that they now struggle with losing weight because they’re in their 30s and when they were in their teens or even their 20s it was much easier. One reason for that was the amount of responsibilities and stress that you start to get as you become an adult.
I recalled when I had lost 30 pounds just by making a few adjustments to my diet like cutting out rice and adding exercise into my routine. I was talking about how it was so easy and I didn’t need any external accountability and I feel like I could do it again if I needed to even though I’m in my late 20s. My friend then added that maybe it was easy for me back then cause I also didn’t have that much stress about other things. I disagreed and said nope I had so many life challenges back then. My mom had cancer and life was tough. Then my friend reminded me that I was in high school when I lost 30 pounds and my mom wasn’t diagnosed until I was 20 years old. That made me realize that I tainted so much of my past with hardships. Even though in my teens life wasn’t particularly challenging, I remember it as being challenging because my 20s were challenging. I just grouped all of it together and said my life has always been tough.
There’s a reason why we generalize an entire period of time. The brain cannot remember every bit of history and so it tends to generalize an entire period into a few words. This way the brain can recall the memory quicker and it doesn’t have to do much work for it. So let me explain this more using an example.
University for me was great. Overall it was an amazing time. I only went to university for 2 years because I had combined my last 2 years of high school with 2 years of college so I graduated with my bachelor’s degree when I was 20 years old. Within those 2 years of university, I made a lot of new friends, hung out with people a lot, and even went to a few parties (halal parties hosted by Muslim women). But if you were to ask me how my days in university were, I’d say in a negative tone that “I mainly just studied and went to class. I barely hung out with people cause I was in the business school and the majority of the Muslims hung out at the student union building. I only went to the library to see friends a handful of times cause I preferred to study alone.”
So what happened here? I generalized my entire university time as me studying and not really hanging out with people. When in reality I had plenty of days where I did see people, I did attend student events, I did hang out with friends, and made a lot of new friends too. However because I spent the majority of the time in the business school studying, that is how I narrate my entire university experience. It’s much easier for my brain to just generalize the whole experience as studying alone rather than including details that didn’t happen as often.
Our brain does 1 of 3 things to memories, it either generalizes, distorts, or deletes. In another blog, I’ll talk more about this but for now, it’s important to know that the brain will generalize memories.
I generalized my entire university experience as a negative thing because I didn’t feel like I enjoyed university the way most people do. I just went to class and studied. Why did this happen? Why did my brain generalize everything as negative when in reality there was so much positive? Maybe even more positive than negative.
The reason is because that’s what I repeated to myself so many times. I wasn’t grateful for the times that I did spend outside of studying and going to class. I wasn’t intentional about remembering the good times. If you’ve been reading my blogs thus far, then you’ll know I talk a lot about how the brain loves the negative. The brain is always looking for the negative because it’s trying to keep you safe from it. This is why being grateful is so difficult for us humans. This is why complaining and whining comes so much more naturally to us.
We complain way more than we focus on the positives. Because of this, we think so much of our life is difficult. We walk around thinking life is so hard and full of challenges. I’m not saying it isn’t but life is 50/50. 50% of life is good and 50% of life is bad. For every challenge, there is a period of ease.
Allah SWT says in Surah Ash-Sharh ayahs 5 and 6:
فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا (٥) إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًۭا (٦)
So, surely with hardship comes ease. Surely with ˹that˺ hardship comes ˹more˺ ease.
There is always going to be ease with the hardship. But we focus only on the 50% that is hard. We only focus on the challenge.
So how do we work on this?
The one thing that has solved this for me is something that is taught to us in the Qur’an, in the Sunnah, and so many non-Muslims teach this. There are courses out there that teach this. Science has proven this. There have been entire journals, worksheets, and exercises dedicated to this. It’s known to be a part of every successful person’s life.
What is this? Gratitude. Having shukr.
That is how you can change your entire life from focusing on the negative to focusing on the positive.
Gratitude does not come naturally to us. That is why we’re rewarded so much for doing shukr. For practicing gratitude. This is why so many successful people out there talk about it extensively. So many people have to learn how to incorporate gratitude into their lives. If you go on Amazon and search for ‘Gratitude Journal’, so many options will come up. You’ll see options for daily gratitude, weekly gratitude journal prompts, 1-minute gratitude, 5-minute gratitude and so many more.
Gratitude has also been labeled by some as the key to happiness. One of my teachers who is Non-Muslim said that ending the day with gratitude has been the number 1 reason for her success. You’ll actually hear a lot of successful people attribute their success to gratitude.
We as Muslims have already been advised in the Qur’an and Sunnah to live a life of gratitude.
Allah SWT says in the Qur’an in Surah Ibrahim Ayah 7:
وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌۭ (٧)
And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’
We are actually ordered and mandated to make shukr at least 17 times a day. In every rakah of our salah we are saying ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ, which is a form of praise of Allah and gratitude to Allah.
Allah SWT is telling us in the Qur’an that He will give us more good if we are grateful. That means by incorporating more and more gratitude into our lives, our lives will get better and better.
In addition to us being promised by our Creator that will get more good by doing more gratitude, our mental and physical health are also benefiting a lot. By doing more gratitude you are training your brain to focus more on the positive in your life. It is forcing the brain to steer away from the default which is to focus on the negative. The more you incorporate positivity in your brain, the more your memories will start to become more and more positive. Your entire outlook on life will begin to change. You will go from complaining to feeling more and more gratitude for your life.
Think about this, how will your actions change if you start approaching challenges from a place of gratitude and positivity as opposed to from a place of complaining and negativity?
Won’t your actions come more from an empowered state? Won’t you be more motivated to make positive changes?
If in university I had practiced gratitude daily, then maybe the way I narrated my university experience would have been completely different. It’s never too late though, we can always change our memories to come from a place of positivity. It takes work but memories are always changing so it’s definitely possible.
Now on to the practical part of this blog: how do we incorporate gratitude into our lives?
It starts with intentionally adding it to our daily lives. Eventually, your brain will automatically begin to look for the positives around you but we have to train our brains a lot in order for it to get there.
There are many different ways to practice daily gratitude and so make sure to find what works the best for you. I’ll share what has been working for me the best but again you don’t have to follow my way exactly. Feel free to tailor it to you.
I end my days with 3 things that I am grateful for that particular day. I try my best to make it 3 different things every day. I refrain from writing things like ‘my family, my home, my friends’. I try to be more specific like ‘I’m thankful for the blanket that I got to cuddle under when I was cold’ or ‘I’m thankful for the ability to drive so I could get coffee this morning.’ The more specific you can get, the better.
While I’m writing these things, I try to really feel the gratitude. Memories that are emotionally charged are more remembered by the brain. If you don’t truly feel the gratitude every time then it’ll just become a ritualistic behavior that has no meaning behind it .
In addition to ending my day with 3 things I am grateful for, I have an ongoing note on my phone called ‘Amazing Things Every Week’. Every week I write down one amazing thing that happened that week. I started it this year and so far I am on week 47. I plan on reading all of them when the year ends and I’m reflecting on how this past year went.
These are the 2 gratitude practices that I’ve added to my life. I also try to intentionally think of the positives that come out of every challenge. I also try to catch myself when I notice I’m about to complain about something.
Some additional ways to practice gratitude is by starting your day with 3 things you’re grateful for, writing down 1 quality of your own every day or week, and saying ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ for small everyday blessings.
Incorporating gratitude in a relationship is also an amazing way to make it healthy and abundant. Tell your mom one thing you appreciate about her every day or one quality of hers that you love. Say thank you to the people around you whenever they do something nice for you. Overall having more appreciation for the people in your life will make your relationships so much better.
Whatever you focus on grows
And so if you focus on the negatives of the people around you, that is all you will see about them, but if you focus on the positives of them, that is all you will see. If you’re having a tough time with someone you’re in a relationship with whether that be your parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, spouse, or friend, think of all the positive things about that person and all the things you appreciate about them. If you do that for 1 month continuously, you’ll notice a significant difference in how you feel about that person.
You can do the same with yourself. If you dedicate one month to focusing on and writing about one thing you appreciate about yourself every day, you’ll find your love and appreciation for yourself growing more and more.
Find the best way to incorporate gratitude in your life that works for you and stick to it. Be intentional and consistent with it and see how your life changes in just a few months.
Until next time my friend,
Remember you got this because you have Allah.
Your sister,
Mariam
